Potty Training Question

I got a question and started replying to it and it ended up way too long for a comment so I decided just to make it it's own post. I would sure love some other feedback to help this mom who is frustrated with potty training.

Question: I read in another section that your goal was to have your kids potty trained by three. That was my goal as well and my 3 and a half year old still has accidents and has only stayed dry all night once. I feel like potty training is a never ending process and I know I made many mistakes that probably contributed to this, but do you have any suggestions? We did give her a big surprise for staying dry all day for a week. A great book I read was "The Everything Potty Training Book." It had several different methods and many great statistics and information. I also like "My Big Girl Potty" for my daughter, there's "My Big Boy Potty" for boys.

Reply:

First of all, I probably did say my goal was to potty train by age 3 but this may not be realistic for every child. I have never read, "The Everything Potty Training Book." I think I've read the "My Big Girl Potty" if its the one that is written for children like a story book. My kids really liked this book.

I believe children will be ready at different times even though we would love for them to be potty trained early. Also, I think children could use going to the bathroom as a power struggle with parents because they are in control of this. Maybe she just needs to know that it's her choice to go to the potty and let it be her thing.

You may ask her if she would rather go back to wearing diapers during the day until she is ready to go potty every time in the potty. If she does then go back to diapers. Don't let it bother you one bit. Maybe it would be good for the whole family to take a break because it sounds like the fun of being a big girl is gone for both your 3 year old and mom and dad. If you are frustrated with it then your child is probably frustrated too. In the Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood book it says, "Like any task we're expected to perform under pressure, potty training becomes an undesirable chore." pg 35 If your child wants to continue with her big girl pants then one idea is to lay low and tell her that you know she is a big girl and you have every confidence that she can go to the bathroom when she needs to. Tell her you are going to stop reminding her and that when she needs to go to the potty she can choose to take you with her or go by herself. Take out the reminding and you being extremely anxious about it. Another thing that helped my first was when he had an accident I really had to not get upset (and believe me it was hard) but I instead talked about how sad it was. I like how Love and Logic words this response: "Oh, you had an accident! That's too bad! I love you, Sweetie." Then you can make them apart of the clean up by asking them to put their clothes in the laundry and getting you a rag to clean it up, etc.

Now the nighttime water (or in other terms bedwetting) is a completely different story. My oldest was 6 or 7 before he stopped wetting the bed. We tried everything. After consulting our physician on many occasions at well visits he recommended a bedwetting alarm. This really worked. In the instructions of the bedwetting alarm it talked about how children are not doing this on purpose, they simply sleep so soundly that they don't wake up to go to the bathroom. It is a physical response and their body has not learned to tell their brain when they need to go. The alarm requires parents to be extremely involved but it was well worth waking up a few times at night for a couple days and taking him to the bathroom.

It doesn't work to not give them any water hours before bedtime or waking them up before you go to bed to go or lectures about wetting the bed, or even having them clean the mess up. Believe me we tried all these things. There is also medication and herbs that you can try but I really didn't want to add other side effects that go with Meds. The thing with the alarm is they really need to be a little older--I think the age recommended was five. In the meantime don't sweat it--after I have talked with other parents this is really common for a lot of children.

I know they are really expensive but you can get overnight diapers for bigger kids. I would just use diapers if they still will fit your girl. I also put water proof sheets over the mattress so it doesn't get ruined and I also put a waterproof pillow case over the pillows.

I hope this helps a little bit. But try to look at the long picture here and realize that as long as they are potty trained by kindergarten you will be just fine. =)

Teaching Children to work

My sister in law Deonne recommended the best book about chores and teaching your children responsibility. It's called "The Parenting Breakthrough" by Merrilee Browne Boyack. First of all I love Boyack's opinions about teaching children and discipline. In my opinion she has it spot on. She gives so many ideas to get children to do their chores and help out at home. My favorite part of the book is the "Master plan" She talks about how we as parents need to decide "How I want my children to turn out" Some of the things I thought of, I want my children to have their own testimony of the gospel, be able to keep a job and know the importance of hard work, love to learn and read, get a long with their family and want to come back and spend time with their aging parents =). After you do this then you need to set realistic goals and learning objectives to accomplish this. This is the part I love. By the age of three my child will: Learn to dress self, use the toilet independently, brush teeth, pick up toys, say prayers, etc. She has a list for each age that is really comprehensive but she recommends you supplement things to the list as well. Here are things listed on a five year old--Straighten room, vacuum, empty garbage cans, set table, clear table, make own lunch, warm up canned food, get allowance.

So I have really liked this to help my kids learn valuable lessons of life and they are really learning how to help around the house. I really believe children need to do more around the house then clean their room. As a part of living at your home their are things that can teach them it's not all about them. I have found that when they are in charge of cleaning something they start realizing that they have an impact -they are a contributing member of more then just themselves. I love this quote from the book.

" Doesn't it seem these days as if we find ourselves surrounded by work-phobic youth? These kids are largely a result of lazy parents; that is, parents who take the easy road. Sometimes I wonder if my children are the only ones who do chores beyond self-maintenance. Self maintenance tasks are pseudo-chores: 'make your bed, pick up your toys, brush your teeth. These don't contribute to the family. By and large, parents have forgotten how important work is in the home. They have a hard time getting their children to work, so they give up. It's easier to hire maids and gardeners or to do it all themselves." pg 51

I think about my grandparents generation and even my parents generation and they helped on the farm. Feeding the animals, picking vegetables, making bread. Because of so much convenience in our life it can be easier to just do it yourself. But I think we are doing our children a disservice. It will be harder for our kids to adjust to real life when they move away from home. Will they just automatically know how to do their own laundry, clean the bathrooms. I would rather have them already know because their are plenty of other things they need to adjust to.

I think summer is a great time to start implementing a new job plan, because your kids have more time at home. For a long time each of my kids had a cup of index cards. I wrote and drew a picture of the job on the card. When they got done with the job it went in the cup. When all their jobs were done they got to go play. My two older kids now have a chart that they mark their jobs off on. This has worked really well since some days they have different things to do. I have put the job chart to give you an idea on Google Reader.

I'm new to loading a document so let me know if this doesn't work for you. Your welcome to use this and modify it to the needs of your family. It was really easy to create and works great for my kids. I update it as necessary and then we laminate it so they can use it over and over. I get some dry erase markers and they mark it up each week. We do fun things when the kids need some motivation. Sometimes I put a M&M on each index card they can eat when they get a job done. We let them do half their jobs and then take a break and watch a cartoon. For some families I know it works better to do all the chores on Saturday or Friday because of all the extra activities planned in the middle of the week.

You will have struggles when you try to implement a new job chart. But just remember the big picture-you are teaching children responsibility and work values that will help them for the rest of their life. I believe it's worth it!

PS. I have a poll on my blog I'd love for your input. 7 more days till it closes.

Mindless Eating-start good habits early

Food is a huge issue in any family. If you think about it preparing meals, eating, cleaning up meals, planning, and shopping consume a large portion of our day. We eat about three times a day, and more if you count snacks. It can be a huge battle. If you stick to your guns to the food rules and table manners, battles start to disappear. I promise because we had to fight for a while with our first ones and it does get better!
I am the "Nutritional Gatekeeper" of our home. My husband has a huge impact as well. According to Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink, the Nutritional Gatekeeper is the person in your home who does most of the food shopping and meal preparation. The gatekeeper has a huge influence on what is eaten inside and outside of the home. I just finished reading this book and I love it. I had no idea that there would be ideas on how to be a better parent in here but behold there was very practical ideas that help teach our children good eating habits early on. As the nutritional gatekeeper of your home here are some ideas the book gives.
--We inherit the attitudes about food and eating. Studies show that watching someone grimace while eating scares children away from tasty food and smiles and friendliness work in reverse--you can attract more children to foods they are unfamiliar to.
--Use positive associations with food that are healthy. Like: Spinach makes you strong like Popeye, Fish makes you smart, carrots give you great eyesight, broccoli are little dinosaur trees, and so on. These positive associations help children like these otherwise not so kid-friendly foods.
--fat-forming transformation in our eating habits takes place between the ages of three and five. A three year old will eat simply until he is full no matter how much he is served. By the age of five, a child pretty much will eat the portion that is on his plate. Be careful about giving too much food and then also expecting them to eat it all. Teach your child to listen to their bodies to tell them when they are full.
--Snack time hints: Portion out a serving size for snacks and then put the container of goldfish, pretzels, etc. away otherwise they will just keep eating. He recommends using baggies to portion out correct serving sizes especially if you buy food in bulk. Children and adults use external cues to determine whether they want more to eat. If it's available they think they're still hungry.
--Be careful not to use food as a reward (If you get an A on your test, we'll go out for ice cream), as comfort(Eat this cookie it will make you feel better), guilt (Clean your plate children are starving in China), or as punishment(Finish your food or you can't watch TV). -I really need to work on this!
--Be a good marketer of healthy food. Show by example and be convincing that healthy foods can be fresh, crunchy, refreshing, and make you strong, smart...
--Offer variety--Try new recipes, new ingredients, ethnic foods and different types of restaurants. The more foods you expose your child to, the more nutritionally well-rounded he will be.
--Use the Half-Plate Rule. A balanced meal is not steak and potatoes. Half your plate should have a vegetable or salad.
--Only serve the vegetables family style. Serve the meat and potatoes at the stove. This will help the family not overeat by getting seconds. If they are really hungry the vegetables are right there for the taking and it won't hurt to get some more of that.

I really liked all this advise I had one other to add
--My kids love snacks and desserts--they would rather eat these then their meal. Our family rule is if they don't eat their meal then they don't get snacks and desserts. If after 1/2 hour they say their hungry we will either say sorry you didn't eat all your food or we pull their plate out and they can eat their meal now. This has worked really well for us.
Check out his webpage it looks great at well as the book http://www.mindlesseating.org/