Relishing the Joys of Motherhood

After a really hard day I find myself trying to focus on the joys of motherhood rather then the things that could make me go crazy.  Here are some things that are keeping me smiling tonight.

-Tucking my children in after they are asleep.  I just love to see their sweet faces.  This nightly ritual reminds me that they have divine worth and a heavenly father who is watching over us all.

-Baby kisses.  Those open mouth kisses are so sweet

-Catching your kids doing good when you are not around

-Hearing the sweet sounds of siblings in play

-Listening to my children read

-Hearing my older kids remind the younger ones of rules or helping them do something

-Seeing their dad play and laugh with them

These are some of the joys that I will relish forever.  What moments will always bring you joy?

1-2-3 Magic Questions

So what if I get to count 3 and it's time for my child to have a time-out and they say--ok ok I'll stop screaming or throwing a fit now, or I'll pick my coat up that I left in the front doorway, Do I still put them in timeout? (my sister-in-law asked me this today)

I don't remember Phelan talking about this but I think for the "Magic" to work you need to be consistent and still put them in time out without talking.  I can see a child trying to argue out of time-out and that is completely opposite of what you want.  I could see if you decide to give them another chance everytime they get to a count 3 then they will learn they won't have a consequence.  Kids are smart they will see if you will keep your word.

How do I get this program going at home?

We had a little family council where we explained what we were going to do if the children disobey. After we explained it we asked if anyone had any questions and then we role played and example. The kids thought that was fun and my tester was immediately thinking of whys around the new system.  It took a few days for things to really click.  If your oldest child is 2 years or under I really wouldn't recommend this until they are older.  My two year old does ok with it but I think the whole counting thing is confusing for her so I use the "Uh Oh so sad" for her most of the time when she has behavior issues.  (This is something in the Love and logic Toddlers book which I really like)  

What if I forget my part of the deal and issue out a consequence before I do any counting?

There is a learning curve for both parents and children and you need to be patient with yourself. First, remember that there are times when a child will immediately get a consequence-When they hit you or someone else, or swearing.  So it these cases, I'm sure there may be more, it's ok to give an automatic 3 and timeout for the severity of the action.  But if you are short on patience that day it can be hard to give your children a chance to think about there behavior and change it before laying out the consequence.  When I find myself doing that, I am completely honest with my kids and say, "Hey I'm sorry, lets get back to counting, you can come out of your room and we'll start with a count of 1 for teasing your sister."  This has worked well because then they see you as human and can make mistakes and admit it.  

What do you do when your in the car or in public, like at the store?

This can be very tricky.  In the car I have had to count and have only had to get to 3 one time. We pulled the car over and had our child stand outside for 8 minutes since he is 8 years old.  We stayed right there to make sure he was safe.  He didn't get mad or sad, but after he got back in the car he was golden the rest of the car trip.  This can be a pain especially if you are in a hurry or going on a long drive or your in bad weather.  In this case I would do a time-out alternative.

What are some time-out alternatives for when a timeout isn't appropriate or your child simply will not go do timeout.

Earlier bedtime, loss of computer or video game privilege, no dessert or treat, extra chore, no TV, monetary fine, no friends over, write a paragraph.

My oldest has tested me on time-outs and so we have used some of these time-outs especially when in public.  He has found that he would rather do a time-out then lose out on something else. 

Do you have a situation at home that your stumped on that you want to try 1-2-3- Magic but not sure how?  I'll try to help give you ideas of how it may help.

One thing I know is you can't try something for one day and say oh it just didn't work for us. Anything needs some time for you to test it out and see if you are getting some results.  I would say at least a two week trial.  

Stay tuned for potty training ideas next week.  

P.S. There is only three days left on the survey listed at the top right of the blog.  Cast your vote!

One Kind Word

Have you heard of the new project called "One Kind Word"?  I heard about it a while ago on the news and was not sure what I thought of it.  Basically it's a project that gives people tools to help children you see in public that are struggling with their parents.  "One Kind Word is designed to give people (particularly, retail employees) the words and actions to offer support to parents and children who are having a tough time and to help defuse parent-child conflicts."  (from website)

I particularly have been in public situations, at the store, park, gas station, church... where my kids have thrown a tantrum or made a scene.  It's can be embarrassing and I'm not sure if I would want a stranger offering support while my child is on the ground screaming.  I guess probably because I would be at a loss of a comforting word to offer a stranger if they were going through the same thing. On the other hand a kind word is much better then the "looks" I have received before, advise given, or even worse--someone offering my child candy (while they are throwing the tantrum).

Just this week, I have had more then one experience where I had another parent offer me their concern for my child's well being.  I should thank them lavishly and move on, but I find myself feeling judged and hurt.  I know my child and their capabilities and I wouldn't knowingly put them in danger.  

I have to tell this story, that happened about a month ago, I was attending church in another ward.  When I went to Relief Society which was the last meeting of church, my baby was tired.  Because it wasn't my ward I wasn't prepared with my usually toys and snacks I bring to occupy her for the full 3 hours.  During the meeting I looked in my bag for anything that might catch her interest and saw a diaper rash bottle.  I knew she couldn't open it and she immediately was intrigued. One lady behind me literally took the ointment from my baby and handed it to me and said, "Did you know that this is poison, please don't give it to her."  I was amazed and stunned that someone would do this.  I just smiled and nodded my head. After the meeting she came up to me and said that she was a nurse and just couldn't believe I would give that to my baby.  My sister in law was also their and we were just flabbergasted that someone could be so rude.  

Some have come out and bluntly (like the above example) tell you their disgust and others are a little more subtle --but both can be hurtful.  After I felt hurt this week I reflected within and thought I have probably done the same thing and hurt someone unknowingly.  So here I am committing to not judge others for the way they are parenting.  I think unless someone asks for advise, it's probably not wanted or needed.  

I believe we are all learning and doing our very best.  We also know how important our role is as mothers and fathers.  I know I do things different with my fourth child then I did with my first because they come different but also because I'm learning to do better.  That's all we can do is try to do better, educate ourselves and do the best with what we have and know now.  For me I'm going try to be more understanding and loving towards other parents learning and doing their best.