The Tiger Mother

I really haven't had time to post to this blog for a long time.  Today I really wanted to share some thoughts I had while reading a book I recently finished reading called "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother."  If anyone else has read this book, I would love to have a discussion about it because I found it so interesting and so different from any other books about parenting then I have ever read.  This book is by Amy Chua.  I bought it on Amazon since our library didn't carry it-which they really ought to.
Chinese Parenting vs. Western or American Parenting.  Amy gives lots of examples of stereotypical parenting from both cultures which are not always true but generally pretty close to accurate.
She wanted to raise her children the "Chinese Way" even though she lived in America.  The book tells of her journey of parenting in America and how her perspectives change when one of her daughters didn't quite respond the way she planned.
What makes a Chinese mother?  This is what Amy said are believes of Chinese Mothers: 1)schoolwork always comes first; 2) an A-minus is a bad grade; 3) your children must be two years ahead of their classmates in math; 4)you must never compliment your children in public; 5)if your child ever disagrees with a teacher or coach, you must always take the side of the teacher or coach; 6) the only activities your children should be permitted to do are those in which they can eventually win a medal; and 7) that medal must be gold.
How do they keep this much focus all the time and have such great success.  These are things Amy's daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:  Attend a sleepover, have a play date, be in a school play, complain about not being in a school play, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than a A, not be in the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin, not play the piano or violin. (She talked a lot about her children's music studies in the book which I found fascinating!)
Reading these lists you may think she is absolutely crazy. I kind of did too.   But, after reading the book, I don't think she was.  She really  loved her children and they knew that, and she wanted to give her children a good childhood where they learned skills, strong work habits, and inner confidence.  I do believe you can instill these very things in your children and not be quite as extreme as Amy was.  Reading the book made me really think about my parenting style.  I am not a Tiger Mother but in somethings I have a few stripes that I could identify with.
Here is a couple quotes from the book I liked, "Chinese parenting is one of the most difficult things I can think of.  You have to be hated sometimes by someone you love and who hopefully loves you, and theirs just no letting up, no point at which it suddenly becomes easy.  Just the opposite, Chinese parenting--at least if you're trying to do it in America, all odds are against you--is a never ending uphill battle, requiring a 24-7 time commitment, resilience, and guile.  You have to be able to swallow pride and change tactics at any moment.  And you have to be creative.  pg 161-162
My thought is---That is why Chinese parents only seem to have 1 or 2 children.  How could you keep of this resilience through 4 or more children.
"That's one difference between a dog and a daughter, I thought to myself later.  A dog can do something every dog can do--dog paddle, for example--and we applaud with pride and joy.  Imagine how much easier it would be if we could do the same with daughters!  But we can't; that would be negligence.  pg 119-120
Birthday for Amy--"At Jed's urging, Lulu handed me her 'surprise,' which turned out to be a card. More accurately, it was a piece of paper folded crookedly in half, with a big happy face on the front.  Inside, "Happy Birthday, Mommy!  Love, Lulu"  was scrawled in crayon about another happy face.  The card couldn't have taken Lulu more than twenty seconds to make.  I gave the card back to Lulu.  "I don't want this," I said. I want a better one--one that you've put some thought and effort into.  I have a special box where I keep all my cards from you and Sophia, and this one can't go in there."  Then Amy explains later that It's too idealistic to expect children to do the right things on their own.  pg 103-104

I really appreciated the things I learned from this book.  The thing I learned for myself is that I can do better as a parent.  I can make the sacrifices of my own time to spend helping them with their homework so they can be better students. I won't begrudge the hours spent at music lessons, and music practicing because I know that time is quality time spent with me.  I think we can expect more from our children.  They are smart, they are capable of so many good things.  By not expecting the best from them is not believing in them.  By letting them just turn on the TV or video games day in and day out is not letting them live up to their potential.  I would highly recommend picking this book up to read, I think you will like it.